The War Between Darkness and Light

My most vulnerable post to date. Contains mentions of depression, anxiety, and suicide.

I honestly don’t even know where to begin this post. I have so many thoughts, feelings, and things to say it’s difficult to sort it all out into words. I had all of these plans and goals for this blog and myself in the month of September, yet now it is nearly November, and I have not accomplished any of those goals. I initially planned to post “my story” during September for National Suicide Awareness Month. Then, as ironic as it sounds, I fell back into the hole. That infinitely dark hole grows deeper and deeper with each passing day until I find myself struggling to grip my roots. The things I care about– my family, my friends, my education, this blog– all became blurry as the hole sharpened into focus. Quickly, those blurred images disappeared completely. No longer able to concentrate, I fall behind in my classes. No longer able to ease my anxiety, I stay home from work far too often. No longer able to feel anything at all; my bed and walls collapse in on me. 

If you suffer from depression, you will know what I mean when I say that this image perfectly illustrates how it feels to be sucked down into that hole. The darkness is all-consuming, and the atmosphere is so heavy that it physically pushes your head to the floor. When you are in this already dark place, and the only thing you are allowed to look at is more darkness, the world seems to miraculously go one shade darker. Eventually, a cycle begins, and it feels like the only way to make it stop is to finally give in to the darkness. When exhaustion fades into utter defeat, one last exhale leaves the body, and for once, there is peace. It is a race against the darkness. Who will get to me first? Darkness or light? I know the light is there, but it is so dim. The internal tug-of-war in my mind dissipates my energy, and I am no longer on any team. My fate depends solely on the following battle: knowing I deserve help but also feeling like I deserve to stay in the blackness. It’s funny the way depression works. I can still think logically, but the sound of my deprecation is so loud, as though my earbuds have megaphones in them, and the volume is all the way up. How am I supposed to block out this negativity when it is taking over my senses? It is all I can see, all that I hear. 

The worst part about being surrounded by negativity is that, at some point, it is impossible to keep it all locked away internally. When the bucket begins overflowing, the negativity seeps over the top and spreads into its environment. For some people, that pent-up darkness is expressed to others as anger, but for me, I seem to hold so much darkness that it engulfs those around me. Since I have fallen into this hole, my family seems to have absorbed a small dose of this heaviness. My relationships with my friends are endangered as I have no energy to keep in contact and attempt to strike up a conversation. I can feel the atmosphere around me changing when I walk into a room. It is similar to how some people “light up any room they walk in,” except I do not bring light. I bring sadness, anxiety, worry, irritability, exhaustion, and the list goes on and on. The last thing I ever want to do is be the cause of someone else’s sadness, especially to those that I love. However, that seems to be the only thing I do these days, and that hurts worse than any of the harsh words my brain tells me. 

It all goes back to that feeling of not being good enough and letting everyone around me down. As I stare blankly at the wall, my family chattering all around me, I can feel their longing, begging me to talk or crack a smile— the things I used to do all the time. I can feel my family longing for me to be the person I once was, but I am terrified that she might be gone. I am so afraid that I will never again be the happy, humorous, giving, kind person I used to be. That is something that haunts me. I try to remain hopeful, but right now, it just feels like I will never be her again. If I never get myself back, then I truly do not see the point of continuing on with my life. I know she’s in there. I catch glimpses of her— when something makes me excited, I do my little happy dance; when I watch TV with my dad, I find myself laughing along or poking fun at whatever we show we find; when I am with my nephew, I feel that love and hope, and I genuinely smile; when I am with my boyfriend, I start to be the goofy person I was before all of this darkness took over. I know she’s here and calling out to me. I just wish that she could be here all the time. Here’s that fight again: light against dark. 

When “The Worst” Gets Worse

Often, with depression, people expect a reason. Something must have happened to make a person feel this sad, and sometimes, a traumatic event did occur. People will understand that. This really bad thing happened, so now you are sad. It makes sense. However, if nothing bad happens and life is okay, it no longer makes sense. A question I receive too many times is, “What happened to make you feel this way?” I don’t have an answer. I just am. I have observed these different reactions firsthand. This specific depressive episode began in late September/early October. For two weeks, people were asking me what happened, and I simply did not have an answer. I just woke up one morning sad as could be, and that feeling just never went away. I am taking my prescribed medications, going to therapy, doing all of the things that have helped before, and still nothing. Then, on a Thursday morning, we had to take our beloved dog to the vet to be put down. He was 18/19 years old, and he lived an amazing life. We loved him as hard as we possibly could, and as cliche as it may sound, he was truly part of the family. On his birthday, I took him out to pick out a treat and get him a Pup-Cup. He had his own stocking, and each Christmas, he would get a bone in his stocking. He truly was the best dog. As with all cyclical things, his time with us came to an end, and I can honestly tell you it is one of the hardest things a person could endure. Needless to say, I was incredibly sad after he passed, but when people asked me what happened, I had a reason. They accepted that reason with care, compassion, and open arms. Comparatively, when I didn’t have a reason to be sad, people greeted me with a confused look, a soft smile, and an “it will be okay.” 

Just because you may not understand it does not mean that it isn’t happening. Chemical imbalances are real, and they can take over. The silent killer, if you will, because it makes us sad, and we don’t know why. There isn’t always a reason, and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean that someone should be treated with any less grace or compassion. Feelings are valid, thoughts are real, and the fight continues. A depressed person is still a person deserving of love, respect, and kindness, regardless of the cause or the lack thereof. 

The Not-So Happy Ending (of this post)

When I started this blog, my goal was to help other people. That is still always my main priority, but it is times like this that make me feel like such a hypocritical phony. I give advice based on what has helped me in the past. But here I am, unable to take my own advice. Something about this slump, this depressive episode, makes it feel nearly impossible to get out of, as though nothing will help me. Even when I am feeling that way, I struggle to do anything to stop it. If I can’t follow what I have written, then why should anyone listen to me? Who am I to give advice when I am stuck in such a dark place? That is why, in this post, I am not going to give any advice. I am not going to attempt to write out a happy ending, saying everything will be okay because I don’t know if it will. I don’t know if I will ever feel okay again, and I certainly can not speak for anyone else. Maybe it’s the negativity seeping through again. It certainly could be, but that does not change the fact that it doesn’t feel right to me to be saying all of these things and end on a happy and encouraging note. I don’t feel encouraged, and I don’t feel comfortable encouraging anyone else. The most common response I receive when I tell someone how I am feeling or what I am going through is, “It will be okay.” I am so tired of hearing that damn phrase. Stop saying it will be okay and continue to do nothing to help me. So, I will not tell you that everything will be okay because if you are in a situation even remotely similar to mine, I know you are tired of hearing that, too. The only thing I can and will say is this: you are not alone, and your feelings are valid regardless of what anyone else says. 

I can confidently tell you that this is, for certain, my lowest point. Never in my life have I felt so depressed, so hopeless, so exhausted. Never in my life has death been a thought so ingrained in my mind that it feels impossible to destroy it. With the holiday season coming upon us, a time once so joyful has turned so bleak. I couldn’t tell you why it feels so bleak because I truly do not know. I have a wonderful family, cherished traditions, and so much love around me, yet the relentless dread of the holidays remains strong. So many people in this world have it so much worse than me, and Christmas is a two-month-long nightmare. 

Unable to think of a creative segue, I would like to announce that I will be selling friendship bracelets on Etsy (linked below). Each bracelet is hand-made by me, crafted specifically for your customizable order! BUT even more importantly– 20% of ALL proceeds will be donated to the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline! This hotline is available 24/7, by call or text, for those in need of help, advice, or just someone to listen. I realize that sounds like a commercial, but this lifeline has saved my life– multiple times, and it is so important to me to give back and attempt help save at least one more person’s life. 

https://mentalhealthblogshop.etsy.com/listing/1563102242/friendship-bracelets