Never Enough

Coping with the feeling of never being good enough. *contains the topic of depression and hopelessness*

Do you know that feeling when you try so hard at something, you give it everything you have, which is still not enough? For me, that is how it feels going through life. I try my best in everything, but it is never enough. Lately, I have felt like a complete and utter failure. For instance, academics have always been important to me and my family. I always received straight A’s on my report cards. I graduated from high school in the Top Ten of my class with an academic honors diploma. In her song “This Is Me Trying,” Taylor Swift describes this situation perfectly: “I was so ahead of the curve that the curve became a sphere; fell behind all my classmates, and I ended up here- pouring out my heart to a stranger.” I was always so ahead of the curve– in honors classes my entire life, taking AP courses as a Sophomore, and taking college courses at the age of sixteen. I did everything I could to stay ahead, be successful, and most importantly, make my family proud. Yet, here I am. I failed two college classes and had a mental breakdown so horrible that I had to leave campus and stay with my mom until the end of the year. I am no longer where I once was, and dealing with that fact is almost impossible. 

When falling from such a high place, with no cushion to land on, it is so difficult to get back up. Even the most basic of tasks, like brushing your teeth, seems like the hardest thing in the world. In fact, many people struggling with depression fail to take care of themselves in ways that others simply can not comprehend. I have once worn the same clothes for at least three days in a row, and I felt so disgusting, but I just could not bring myself to change. The fact is, if you do not struggle with depression, there are just some things you will never understand. You should be so grateful for that because I would not wish these feelings on anyone. Dealing with society’s expectations, the weight of never feeling good enough, and not being able to continue with basic hygiene leaves an incomprehensible strain on a person. The worst part is that all of those things are connected to each other. If you are fighting to maintain personal hygiene (and possibly not succeeding), society will judge you, which will make you feel worse about yourself. 

Mental illnesses are an interesting thing in that way. Everything is connected. Anxiety fuels depression, and depression fuels anxiety. Having mental illnesses is just an endless cycle of fighting yourself, and oftentimes, losing. Hence, the title of this post– Never Enough. These ongoing series of thoughts ultimately lead us into thinking that we will never be good enough. We will never be good enough for society, for our family and friends, or for ourselves. There will always be something about us that simply will not measure up to expectations. Personally, I have many. For example, I feel that I will never be smart enough to achieve my goals. I will never be pretty enough to be looked at. I will never be charming enough to be truly loved by another person. Living with the weight of never reaching expectations is exhausting, and it impacts all areas of life. Recently, I was officially diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, and Panic Disorder, though I suspect I may have more (my therapist and I have not delved that deep yet). I mention my diagnosis to say that it is exhausting to be alive, to constantly battle these thoughts in my mind, and still continue to attempt to live a “normal” life. If you struggle with these illnesses too, know that I see you. I understand the pressure you feel. If you feel that small sliver of hope, hold on to it with all your might. Eventually, that sliver will grow. That light will outshine the darkness, or so I am told. 

Read my poem related to this topic here: https://mentalhealth-unfiltered.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/05/Nothing-Here-to-Love_-1.pdf